Asked if it would be worse for New Orleans if Chris Paul leaves through free agency, David Stern laughs maniacally and says, “if he is allowed ever to leave…HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
David Stern also nixes Albert Pujols signing with the Angels as he is protecting competitive balance in all sports.
Stern orders Shaq to lose 50 pounds and rejoin the Magic.
Stern announces that New Orleans and Orlando are more than welcome to still trade their two superstars as long as they only trade with each other.
Stern also announces that Blake Griffin will no longer be allowed to dunk as it is not fair that no one can stop him.
Friends react awkwardly as Eddy Curry wonders out loud to them whether Stern will also nix his signing with the Miami Heat for the sake of competitive balance.
Cleveland fans all wonder out loud in unison, “where the f%$ck where you last year Mr. Stern when our franchise was decimated???”.
Stern prepares to order Dallas to break up their championship squad from last year but finds out that Dallas is voluntarily letting their team fall apart on their own.
Stern announces that despite his interest in small market franchises and competitive balance he will never let the San Antonio “we are a goddamn ratings black hole” Spurs to compete for the championship again.
Stern announces on second thought he will let the Lakers trade for Chris Paul but only if they give up less in the trade.