A league without fouls

No Foul

The year: 2013. Thanks to the new penalties instituted by the NBA in October of 2012, all flopping has been eliminated from the game. But these rules didn’t go nearly far enough. Players have responded by diminishing their core strength and maintaining a high center of gravity, increasing their chances of falling over legitimately. Gregg Popovich has pioneered the “reverse screen,” intended to channel the on-ball defender into his check at a high speed. Dirk Nowitzki now spends entire offensive possessions on one leg, and Nike has teamed up with Dwyane to market the first set of high heels for basketball, the “Pump Fakes.”

Massive discontent with this state of affairs led to the recent ouster of David Stern as commissioner. He has been replaced by Jeff Van Gundy, whose first act was to abolish the foul in the NBA. These rule changes have paved the way for a new superteam, destined to dominate the postseason for years to come.

STARTERS:
Gilbert Arenas
J.R. Smith
Metta World Peace
Kevin Love
Jordan Hill

RESERVES:
Jason Kidd
Tony Allen
Stephen Jackson
Gerald Wallace
Jason Smith
Kevin Garnett
Andrew Bynum

The starting backourt of J.R. Smith and Gilbert Arenas is the best in the league at containing dribble penetration. Continue reading