King David Stern
- Asked if it would be worse for New Orleans if Chris Paul leaves through free agency, David Stern laughs maniacally and says, “if he is allowed ever to leave…HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
- David Stern also nixes Albert Pujols signing with the Angels as he is protecting competitive balance in all sports.
- Stern orders Shaq to lose 50 pounds and rejoin the Magic.
- Stern announces that New Orleans and Orlando are more than welcome to still trade their two superstars as long as they only trade with each other.
- Stern also announces that Blake Griffin will no longer be allowed to dunk as it is not fair that no one can stop him.
- Friends react awkwardly as Eddy Curry wonders out loud to them whether Stern will also nix his signing with the Miami Heat for the sake of competitive balance.
- Cleveland fans all wonder out loud in unison, “where the f%$ck where you last year Mr. Stern when our franchise was decimated???”.
- Stern prepares to order Dallas to break up their championship squad from last year but finds out that Dallas is voluntarily letting their team fall apart on their own.
- Stern announces that despite his interest in small market franchises and competitive balance he will never let the San Antonio “we are a goddamn ratings black hole” Spurs to compete for the championship again.
- Stern announces on second thought he will let the Lakers trade for Chris Paul but only if they give up less in the trade.
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