ESPN already beat us to the punch with their power rankings through 2017 so we decided to go ahead and release our 2048-49 NBA Power Rankings.
#30 – Sacramento Kings – The Kings are convinced this is the year that their team of shoot first players with no real position end their 55 year no playoff drought. They are so committed to this style of play that they have eliminated the PG position and threw out their playbook as they’ll only be running iso plays anyway.
#29 – Minnesota Timberwolves – We all know their fate after they recently dropped the Timberwolves nickname and renamed the team the Minnesota Groomers after losing the 7th superstar in row that they groomed before the player went on to win a title elsewhere. It seems like no one since Garnett has been willing to spend more than 4 years in this cold dark hell hole.
#28 – Portland Trailblazers – I mean why in gods name would you spend your number one pick on Greg Oden’s son???
#27 – Houston Rockets – Looks like Houston is sticking to the plan of assembling a team that excels in all 47 advanced stat categories but aren’t actually very good on the court.
#26 – Utah No Jazz – After Utah broke off from the United States in 2030 to form their own Mormon nation things got a little tough for this franchise as the new Mormon nation has banned music, drinking, cheering, and passing. I do like their choice for coach though as there is no coach better prepared for a team that is not allowed to pass than 105 year old Mike Woodson.
#25 – Kansas City Pistons – The players are finally getting used to playing in Kansas City after Detroit was destroyed in the Great Robot Wars of 2042.
#24 – Los Angeles Lakers – Why are the Lakers still paying $45M/year for Kobe just to show up at games?
#23 – Queens Nets – The Nets will be playing in Queens this season after being kicked out of Brooklyn for mediocrity. Rumor has it they are two crappy seasons away from becoming that Staten Island Nets.
#22 – Orlando Magic – Their recently drafted franchise center said he is so happy and can’t wait to see where he ends up going in 4 years.
#21 – Los Angeles Clippers – With the passing and sale of the Clippers, the reign of the most evil owner ever, Steve Ballmer is finally over. The franchise looks rejuvenated as the new owner has banned Ballmer’s signature cross burnings and post game whippings. I don’t remember who the previous owner but I bet everyone wishes that guy was still around.
#20 – Toronto Raptors – Who would have thought that 50+ years ago when the team’s fans came up with such a silly nickname based on a popular movie that the nation of Canada would one day be at war with radioactive dinosaurs. Assuming that the radioactive dinosaurs especially the evil raptors do not kill all the people in the city of Toronto, the raptors team could be good in a few years as they have a fun, young roster.
#19 – Golden State Warriors – People questioned last year when they traded their entire roster for a bunch of guys with all star talent but major injury histories. Well, the good news is if these guys are healthy they could contend for a title, the bad news, the entire roster is currently expected to miss the first month of the season, maybe more.
#18 – Charlotte Hornets – The Bobcats whiffed on their draft pick again, and they signed an aging vet that will be out of his prime by the time the young guys develop. Still, this might be enough to get them into the playoffs for the 4th time in franchise history.
#17 – Miami Heat – The Heat are on the playoff bubble. People in Miami are frustrated because they aren’t sure if they should pretend to be fans this year or not.
#16 – Las Vegas Pelicans – This looks like it’s going to be the Pelicans best roster since the season before hurricane Shaniqua washed the city of New Orleans away.
#15 – Memphis Grizzlies – Ever since Memphis’ open carry laws resulted in free gun day at the home opener the Grizzlies have had the best home game point margin in the league. It’s almost as if opposing teams are scared to play defense against them.
#14 – Chicago Bulls – You would think we would not rank so high a team that shot an abysmal 12% from the floor last season. Well, when you hold your opponents to 8% shooting you can still win a bunch of games. Let’s all thank the great Tom Thibedeau for creating the most boring and excruciating style of professional basketball to watch. Also, we are no longer impressed by Derrick Rose’ promise to finally be able to play this season.
#13 – Denver Nuggets – I am sure in other sports focusing on building a team with above average players but no stars can get you a title but the Nuggets are about to be proven wrong for the 40th year in a row.
#12 – Atlanta Hawks – Rumor has it the team is going to start hanging banners for 2nd rd appearance after their 40th straight one and done trip to the playoffs., The team’s GM ask fans to not aspire for greatness but to realize how nice it is to at least make the playoffs every year.
#11 – Indiana Pacers – The Pacers are dealing with some conditioning issues after banning their players from moving in the offseason.
#10 – Washington Redskins – Solid roster and the team is going with a new nickname this season after President Trig Palin stuck to his campaign promise and outlawed wizardry in America. Team owners said they felt the new name was much less controversial.
#9 – Small town outside of Boise Thunder – The team has finally come into its own after escaping the big city Oklahoma world where the media would dare to criticize the team’s stars. In whatever the heck the name of this town outside of Boise, this team’s fans and media know that having an NBA franchise is God’s gift and that is why the team will be good this year.
#8 – Boston Celtics – Boston got another significant upgrade through the draft. The Queens Nets only owe them 8 more draft picks after somehow trading for Garnett a 2nd time.
#7 – Seattle Supersonics – The Sonics have done a great job fixing the Bucks broken roster they inherited 4 years ago. Not one person from Milwaukee has noticed their team is missing yet.
#6 – Phoenix Suns – While having a roster full of hall of famers that are long deceased including Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar may seem a bit preposterous, the Phoenix training staff has been proven to actually be that good and the NBA players union will not allow the other owners to pass an anti-walking dead player rule. The Suns training staff has been quoted as saying that getting Larry Bird’s corpse up and down the court is nothing compared to the work they had to put in on Grant Hill back in the day.
#5 – Dallas Mavericks – Congrats to Marc Cuban who after almost 50 years as owner finally got a big name free agent to sign with his team.
#4 – Philadelphia 76ers – After tanking for the last 34 years they’ve finally amassed enough draft picks to start trying to win some games….sometime in the next 3-5 years.
#3 – New York Knicks – After James Dolan passed away during a live performance of ‘fix the knicks’ things are finally looking up for the Knickerbockers. They finally have a 1st round pick after it was discovered that they offered every 1st rounder from 2041-2051.
#2 – Cleveland Cavaliers – I have to think the Cavs will finally get it done this year and end the 100 years championship drought for the city of Cleveland. The Cavs are coming off their 37th #1 overall pick in the NBA draft so the roster should be strong and the NBA swears there is nothing fishy about the Cavs winning so many #1s including the twelve of them they got in years when they weren’t even in the draft lottery. They also welcome back Lebron’s youngest son who is returning to the team after winning a bunch of titles elsewhere.
#1 – San Antonio Spurs – As Tim Duncan enters his 51st season we have to think this is the year he finally slows down. But thanks to the core of Tony Parker Jr., Kahwi Leonard Jr., and three random European guys that made the all star team last season it looks like the Spurs are ready to break 50 wins for the 50th straight season.